I remember being someone who wants nothing more than to make others happy, being predominantly helpful and selfless because it makes me happy. I can be social and all that but I feel like I can only do it for brief periods before I lose myself. It’s as if I was separated from myself and now a hollow place is left where I used to be. I really don’t know what to do. I’ve been like this for a while now and it really is not what I want to be.
Sometimes I miss being younger because before I realized what happened to me I was still me.. after I realized what was done to me I just broke and as much as the truth is better than a lie, I wish I could have had that lie a little longer to have been normal just a little longer.
Before I knew I thought it was just a bad breakup and we were both just shitty people. It truly hurts more that I spent three years giving my all to someone who never loved me as purely and as truly as I loved them, that I was just something to use for pleasure regardless of my wants and if I fought back I was evil…
I remember feeling my heart break and swearing I could hear the sound of glass shattering fill my ears the day I had a bottle full of pills saying I’d take the entire bottle because I could not handle what was happening to us. He looked at me and said I was a childish coward, no love, no fear, just disgust. My life didn’t matter to him, but I still couldn’t leave. He was allowed to resort to suicide and I had to grovel and beg and plead but when I wanted to die I was nothing.
I’ve been having flash backs this past week and my head has been hurting a lot, it’s like my brain is being hit with a hammer and on top of that I feel confused and disconnected from my head, as if they were radios whose frequencies cannot match. All I can see are knives against my throat and that cold loathing stare and those eyes full of anger.
I was too young and new for what you did to me and I would believe anything you said and do whatever you wanted. What did I truly do to deserve you tormenting and destroying me? Because I would really fucking love to know why I deserve so much pain and you get to be coddled and pitied and tell people how horrible I am.
Because I would have to be that awful because how can I accept that people are just that cruel sometimes? That they’ll do that to another person even if they don’t deserve it. It hurts less to believe I deserve it than to believe I was a fuck toy and both a physical and verbal punching bag.
I hate you and one day your due will have to be paid and I hope somehow I get to deliver it to you, because if I can have the opportunity I will make you feel what true agony is, I have to live with this every day and you get the easy way out, always the easy way. Fuck you.